My mom’s story

My mom loves cross-stitching. She creates amazing and magical pieces, sometimes spending years on finish just one of them (you need time to make 200 000 crosses!). Everybody who enters my parents’ house is absolutely amazed. However, when they suggest organizing an exhibition of her works, my mom categorically refuses, often causing an argument. For years, I couldn’t understand her behavior. Up until now…

What about me?

Lately I’ve finished writing a story of over 300 pages. I didn’t really know, why I was writing it – there was just something inside me telling me to finish it. It was such an intimate and deep experience for me that only two people knew about it: my best friend and my boyfriend. But, I strictly forbid them to talk about it to anyone. Two months ago I finished. My friend was reading the newest parts right after I had written them and she was motivating me to write faster, because she ‘had nothing to read before going to sleep’. She loved the story. Followed by her opinion and enthusiasm, I sent the manuscript to the publishing houses. A few weeks ago one of them answered: they are interested. And I am terrified. I’m completely blocked and can’t answer the magical ‘yes’. I should be jumping of joy, but I’m biting my nails instead.

Fear of flying

The fear of giving into the world the deepest part of me may seem irrational, but it’s there. It’s a fear I cannot explain. I have published before. Last summer my article was published in one of the most popular polish fashion magazines. I’ve also self-published a book a few years ago (didn’t get very successful, because the book wasn’t good – no shame, just a fact). So why is it different now? I publish my pictures, I publish my videos, and even when I know they are not a masterpiece – I don’t care. So why? Why am I so blocked now? Maybe it’s because I spent over 3,5 years working on this story? Maybe because I’ve never worked for so long on one project? Maybe because on pictures and videos I never work alone – there are always models, actors, make-up artists, etc. – so if something goes wrong – it’s not entirely my fault? Maybe because what I write comes from the deepest and most intimate parts of me that I don’t show to many people? Or finally, maybe because no other creative process demands from me so much effort?

So?

I don’t know which of these statements is correct: maybe none, maybe all. I’m writing this article (and in this case I’m not afraid to publish it) partially for me: to put it all into a reasonable thinking, which might clear the situation out for me, but not only. My main reason is to let other authors know that they are not alone. I know at least some of you have similar struggles – and, as you see, you’re not the only ones. Maybe that’s what being a writer is about – to have the courage to put yourself on paper and later let it spread into the world, with the risk that somebody may simply throw this paper away, or walk on it (or use it as a toilette paper, but this is the most pessimistic version). To be honest, arriving to this point I feel relieved. It doesn’t mean I’m not scared anymore – I am completely terrified. But at least I feel I’m not alone. Maybe it’s just an illusion, but I feel this text may be read by other authors, who understand exactly how I feel and maybe (only maybe), reading it they’ll also stop feeling lonely and will get the courage to take the risk anyway. I think I am. Thinking logically, what are the worst things that can happen? The book won’t sell, I’ll lose some money and/or people will laugh at me that my book is of a poor quality. Unpleasant, but I can survive that.

Let’s do it!

If, by any chance, you feel familiar with what has been said above, please, share your thoughts in the comments. Just like you, I don’t like writing to a blank wall and I hope at least one person feels better after reading this post. Good luck to you all! And to me 😊